OVERly under CONFIDENT

Ever study so much for an exam that you believed you were ready.. but when you get to take the exam, you totally forget everything and end up practically failing your first test in the class??

Yep. Happened to me this morning.

I was too anxious with trying to study things from the textbook that I didn't leave anytime to review my lecture notes. Stupid mistake, especially since Dr. Sergi did say we were going to be tested on 80% if the lecture notes. BLAH. Damn you, 8a.m. class!!

And to make matters worse, I get to my car and see a damn parking ticket on my window. Why?! Because the day pass I put on the dashboard was upside-down. (That's what I get for having to rush to class to take my exam, I guess.) Normally, I wouldn't complain because I am guilty of re-using day passes to avoid paying $5 that day but this time I actually bought a day pass. And to find that stupid ticket on my car just pissed me off. So, I had to go to the Parking and Transportation services building to appeal the damn ticket, which will take 5 weeks to process.

------------------------------------------

On top of that, I'm am extremely exhausted and have a ton of things to do.
Why can't you keep up, body?!

Oh well, enough complaining from me -- just gotta deal, right?

-----------------------------------------

Mare's on temporary hiatus as of now.
Make sure you check on me to see if I'm still breathing.

[sh]it happens.

I have this uneasy feeling of discontent lingering in the back of my mind and I DON'T LIKE IT.

And as always, I have hundreds of questions that are left unanswered because we tend to live in a self-absorbed reality where our own well-being is what needs to be satisfied before thinking of another person's. Though I must say that many of us try to escape that reality by venting or trying to figure out a solution to that problem with a third party -- it's just not the same.


It's my problem. I can't let go of the past. (So I'm told.) That may be so, but I'm also learning from it. Perhaps learning from mistakes is what's wrong here; it's taboo. And what I'm doing is not learning from my past, but running away from it. Hmm...who cares what they think.

Unless of course this is a different outlet I've found to repress negative feelings.
But if that's so, why do I feel at ease? happy? free, even?
Why does it feel as if I'm FINALLY enjoying my life the way I want to?

I'm still adjusting to the idea that things can change in such a short amount of time.
It comes with age, I guess.

------------------------------------------------

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Does it really??

People are funny.

"You should try out for American Idol."

I have heard that "suggestion" ever since the end of the first season of AI and I'm constantly reminded by different people when they hear me sing. And of course, I just laugh. The thought of going on live television, "showing off" my God-given talent to the whole world with the possibility of being shot down by three influential people in entertainment is just preposterous.

I sit here and laugh at the hundreds, even thousands, of people who believe they sound incredible when in reality they are just a big joke. I'd rather not be in their shoes. The things people do for their 15 minutes of fame. Some people really need to listen to themselves and COMPARE themselves critically to the pros. Maybe people do that, but really... do people hear themselves?!

But who am I to say what is talent and what is not. I've been told to "prove people wrong" and to "share my talent" ... but for what reasons? Yes, I do love singing. I am a singer; there isn't a day that goes by that I don't blast my music loud enough for me to sing along to. But what do I have to prove? That I CAN sing? I know I can. I may sound arrogant at the moment, but I know I sound 100% better than those who go on that show and humiliate themselves. (They COULD be hired actors/actresses for all we know, or not.) But going on a show to sing to the world competing against other people who most likely sing a hell of a lot better than I do would just increase some of the insecurities I already carry.

"But you never know."

True. But I'd rather not know. Not knowing saves myself from embarrassment and humiliation.
I must admit, I have considered going for the hell of it, for a laugh, and to get people off my back about trying out. It hasn't happened yet, and I doubt it'll happen any time soon. So, I sing for pleasure. I share it with people I feel most comfortable with and who already know I can sing. That's it. It explains my anti-posting on youtube, and myspace music of myself singing attitude.


------------------------

M: "Damn, I wish I had Christina Aguilera's voice"
E: "yeah, now she has a voice. I wish I had Eddie Van Halen's guitar"

Haha!