Disconnected.

I feel horrible. I'm having the time of my life but I can't really enjoy every moment of it because of one problem haunting the back of my mind. Everyone who I have spoken to about it tells me to be the bigger person and try to resolve it. But I can't because I don't believe I did anything wrong. But neither does the other person. Every time I think about it, it breaks my heart because I wish things weren't as bad as they are now. It's been 4 months that I haven't talked to my best friend. I don't even know if I should be calling her that anymore. We always said that we wouldn't let a guy get in between our friendship. Apparently, one did. And I never thought that it would happen. And she chose her friendship to him over saving ours. Well, that's what it feels like. And I'm not afraid to say it. My heart was broken by two people I cared about, still do care about, but there's nothing I can do but wait until the waters are still.

I don't really think there's much hope left though. She wanted time and space, so I gave it to her. Yet she's waiting for ME to say something. I don't think she's being fair.

-----------------------------------------

I'm sorry you can't control things that are going on in my life anymore. Actually, you never could. I know I surprised with what I told you about a year ago that happened between him and I, but shit happens and we just have to learn how to deal with it. You know I never meant to keep you in dark about anything, I just wanted to do things on my own and experience things on my own without having someone help me through it. You have to understand that I am my own person and that I need space to grow. I can't be known or associated with you all the time. It's not normal. I am my own person, not half of you. We ARE sisters because we compliment each other and not complete each other. But I guess that's something you have to understand. It's something I had to learn. I needed to fall on my own and learn to pick myself up own my own because you won't always be there. You're in a relationship you've always wanted. Who am I to get in the way of that? Is it really fair of you to want and expect so much from me when I don't expect it from you? I trust your judgment and wisdom enough to know that you have a strong head on your shoulders and that you'll be able to pick yourself up when you need to. But you refuse to see it. I don't need you as much as you think. I'm fine on my own. It's something I've learned to accept and appreciate. But you need to see it for yourself. You have to realize that it was YOU who needed ME all this time. It may sound arrogant of me to say, but I do believe that it's true. I was too afraid to be myself around you only because of your highly judgmental criticism which didn't help one bit. It felt as if everything I said or did was WRONG when it came down to trying to figure out if something was going right or wrong in my life. At one point, I hated myself for it. I wasn't "MARE", I was YOUR "Mare". The "Mare" you wanted me to be. But no more. I've found my niche and I'm not letting go of it. You'll never understand why I'm acting this way. And you'll never be able to dictate my choices anymore. I choose for myself. I've learned to appreciate what I have. And if it's wrong to want to open up myself to other people who haven't necessarily been there for me before, I'm sorry. But I don't think I should be apologizing to you entirely. I am sorry that things got this way. But I don't wish I could turn back time and take it back because I've grown so much in the past 4 months that repressing things isn't exactly something I like doing. I like talking about thing now. But you're not there for me. You made that clear when you said that you can no longer call me your "sister". I do wish you the best because you deserve it. As for me, I'll keep living my life the way I am now. It still breaks my heart that I fear going to you just to talk, but it happens. I hope that you find it in your heart someone to forgive me, because that's what I've done for you. There's no sense in holding a grudge and keeping things bottled up inside. I hate that it's creating "sides" within our group of friends, but I guess we just have to give this time. Impersonal and public, yes. But it's the only way I can get things off of my mind momentarily. I know things will never be the same but hopefully, one day, we can work on it. That is if you want it to work. Good luck in life, sis. I wish you well.

Speechless.

Rock The Bells 2007

It's really difficult to explain EXACTLY how I felt about this year's festival. A part of me had an awesome time yet the other part is a bit disappointed. I guess I'll just have to recap the entire day...

Taking off to RTB wasn't bad at all. I picked up Maria in Long Beach, Chris in Carson, then hopped on the 110N to pick up Paul in Gardena. It took us about 1 1/2 hours to get to the Glen Helen Hyundai Pavilion in San Bernardino. Parking was WAY too expensive. We had to wait in a VERY LONG line just to get into venue which I believe started forming at 7-8am since all the talk throughout the line was that it reached the parking lot around 9am. The heat was unbearable but thank God for sunblock. Haha! Once again, I was able to sneak a camera in because the person who checked my bag didn't thoroughly inspect it which probably pissed off MANY people who were around us when they saw us taking pictures. Haha!

I have to admit that I enjoyed the time Maria, Chris, Paul, and I spent in the pit. Seeing Immortal Technique, Pharoahe Monch, and EPMD up close was awesome. Unfortunately, Maria and I weren't able to enjoy the entire concert down there due to hunger and lack of hydration, and the event staff being total pricks!

Though it wasn't a total loss. I spent majority of the day with Maria, with our frequent trips to the women's restroom to avoid the heatwave, and the guys (Richard, CJ, Mike, and Mark later joined by Ozzie and Chris). I'm glad I got to see Leilanie again this year which was totally planned and NOT by chance like at last year's RTB. Mos Def, Talib Kweli, Nas, The Roots, were awesome.. from the very little I heard because of mine and Maria's frequent trips to the restroom.

Aside from the dehydration, and unbearable heat... it wasn't too bad. I have to admit that Cypress Hill really set off the night after the sunset. It seemed like once the sun went down everyone had enough energy to last them through the rest of the night. Wu-tang was AWESOME! A bit upset that I missed out on their performance last year but this year's made up for it because majority of the them were on the stage.

While waiting for Rage to come on the stage, some guy that was sitting behind Oz puked on Oz's leg.

Hahaha! I know there's not relevance to that event but it was just hilarious to hear Oz freak out.

Then, some guy (I believe his name was Eric) spilled beer on me and began to wipe it off of me. >.<>

Desire.

I want to go to New York for my birthday this year. I've wanted to go for the past couple of years now, and it's never happened.

I've thought about this long and hard about this and I've been making excuses every single year for not following through with what I want to do. I am going to make this happen. Somehow.

I don't know exactly what I'm going to do there.. but hey, roaming around a new city would be fun.

I'm in dire need for change in my life.
I'm getting tired of this constant routine that makes me feel like I'm just wandering around aimlessly waiting for something exciting to happen.

I realized that being an "individual" and "independent" involves the "I" and no one else will help me get where I want to be.

Ahh.. well, we'll see what happens.


NEW YORK/East Coast... here I come.