Brick toast, Thai milk tea, and a bowl of spicy popcorn chicken...

Craving a trip to Guppy's much? :P

Coming on the fourth week of school. I am so far behind already.

Bad habits are difficult to break. Any advice?

-----

I'm not really in the mood to write.

I'll end it here with this:



What do you think? I want your HONEST opinion. I'll give you my take on it after.
Keep in mind that as a singer, I'm very harsh when it comes to my opinion of other singers. Hahaha!

P.S. Sorry for wasting 10 minutes of your life with that. I had to share it, since I wasted 10 minutes of my life also. ;P

I'll make it up to you. Promise.

2 down, 14 to go.

2 weeks into the semester and already I have so much work to do. I'm just glad I'm staying on top of everything... well, I'm trying to.

I'm somewhat glad that I have a busy schedule this semester. I'm definitely going to have to manage my time more efficiently and effectively than before. School and work, plus the work load from all my classes.

Yeah, I'm going to die.

I just hope I can redeem myself this semester. I can't afford to falter, again.

----
Work is great. Did I mention how much I enjoy working at B&N? Well, if I haven't... now you know. You should come visit me some time. Well, if I'm there. ^_^

------
I miss random outings. G'Mae, you need to move to SoCal. :P

BRING IT.

Fall semester starts tomorrow. I'm definitely NOT ready for it.

Oh well.

I am curious as to how I'll do this semester.

BRING IT ON! I'm ready... sort of.

----------

Fall Schedule:
MW @ ECC
MUS 31A - 9:15-10:15
MUS 18AB - 10:30-11:30

TTH @ CSUN
AAS 201 - 9:30-10:45
PSY350 - 11-12:15
PSY321/L- 2-4:45
MUS 306OL

Yay, school.

Fishy.

My beta fish died yesterday.

It didn't even survive the entire summer. How sad.

:(


So, what color beta should I get now?

Haha!

Changes.

Did you notice the new Dashboard?

It's been that long since I haven't blogged. Maybe it's a good thing I've been so occupied with other things and not spending countless hours staring at my computer screen.

I've lost the desire to be on here so often that it drives me to want to do something worthwhile. But I'll give in to let my avid readers know what's going on in my life... so to speak.

I suppose I'll recap my summer since school starts in a short 2 days. How time can fly when we keep occupied. I enjoyed this summer. It was definitely different than last year's. I must say I did miss the party life a bit, but it was good to finally relax and do things that I don't usually have the time to do when school is in session. I wish I could say I soaked up the sun enough to last me all Fall semester, but that would be a lie. I've only been to the beach once, maybe twice this summer.

Work, no school, reading for pleasure, and random outings with friends - just a few things that define this summer.

----
Okay, I'm getting a bit restless and tired of thinking what to write so I'll just put highlights of the summer down.. which are very few compared to last year. Hmph.

In no particular order:
+ NorCal trip with Cozette
+ Random outings with iAnne
+ Meeting G'Mae
+ Dark Knight
+ Comic Con in San Diego
+ Bonfire @ Huntington Beach
+ Outings with co-workers
+ Leisure reading
+ Work, work, work, work, work.

Yeeeah, very short list.

OH, August 22, 2008 goes down in my book. Yesterday was a great day. :)

-------
2 more days, then back to business. Let's see how this semester turns out for me.

-------

I did miss my friends this summer.

I hardly saw any of you. :(

fourf.

I had an interesting 4th. Well, it actually didn't feel like a holiday for me because I had to work.
I'm glad I worked though. Of course, for the money, but even better... hanging out with some of my co-workers.

It was the first time I decided to do something with my co-workers outside of work. I was a bit reluctant at first, only because I wasn't sure what we were going to do or where we were going. And well, if we would get along outside of work. I was wrong about that. We get along just fine.

We went to a local bar in Old Town Torrance called The Crest, had a couple of drinks, talked about the most random things, shot some pool, then ended the night at the taco truck on PCH and Vermont (which I cannot recall right now for some reason.)

Who knew that the people I work with enjoy the simple pleasures of the South Bay as much as I do. Hahaha! I'm glad I decided to go out. I would've ended up at home, doing absolutely nothing, wondering if there was a party going on somewhere.

I had fun. I'm sure there will be more nights like this to come.

-----------

I still miss my friends. :P

-----------
Oh, organized 4th of July festivities, like the one that's held every year at Wilson Park, SUCK. Why? Because when the fireworks are over, hoards of people fill the sidewalks of Carson St. and stupid drunken drivers come out from hiding. Hahaha!

hmm...

Summer 2008: not at all what I expected.... so far.

In comparison to last summer, it's been rater dull.
All I do is work and have random outings with iAnne which don't last long enough because we're either too tired to stay up or we both have work the next day.

I guess it's all a part of growing up.

Come to think of it, I have turned down going to parties in the past month. I haven't been up to going to parties recently. I guess I'm tired of the drama that can arise from stupid misunderstandings when inebriated. I'd rather not do that again. And the only way to avoid that, is to limit my alcohol intake and to take myself OUT of those situations.

I miss my friends.

Comic-Con needs to come already!
----

I'm in need of a beach day. 'zette where you at?!

UDWPE: Upper Division Writing Proficiency Exam

The so-called "dreaded" writing exam for all upper division students that must be taken in order to take the 400 level class.

I took this exam in April. I just remember standing in one of the longest lines ever for something I really didn't want to take. We had 75 minutes to answer the given prompt -- the typical standardized test that I hated taking during high school.

What's my point?

I was curious if I passed that test or not. I remembered that the test administrators mentioned the scores would be up within a month of the exam.

So, I checked the CSUN portal to find my score, and I PASSED!

The highest score you can receive on the exam is a 12. I scored a 9.

YES!!

Such a relief. That's one less thing to worry about academically.
-----------

I really don't know why I make things difficult for myself when it comes down to school.

Well, this is incentive to get the hell out of CSUN! :P

$5/gal! INSANE.

Gas prices alone made my decision a lot easier about taking summer school classes at CSUN. I know I SHOULD take summer session, but with the rising gas prices, that's not going to happen.

I need to save money and I think I'd rather work this summer and maybe take a class at a local CC instead of driving all the way to the Valley, wasting gas and money for ONE class.

-----------
I'm getting more hours at work now.
The "she-devil's" relocating to Indiana. Yeessss!! Haha!

I still should find another job since I'm not taking any class during summer session.

I'm thinking about taking ONE class during summer session. Italian or some music class. Probably at ElCo.
----------

Oh, one last thing before I end this nonsense of a blog. I went to YL today and they no longer had the peach flavor! The HORROR! Hahaha!

----------

Save gas: Carpool! Or walk, run, fly, skip, jump, crawl, bike. Whatever you can. :)

annoyed.

I need someone who can be assertive and not indecisive about everything.
It's not fun being the one to make decisions ALL THE TIME.

You need to work for whatever it is you want from me this time around.
I'm tired of this bullshit of you trying to hint something to me when all you have to do is just say what the hell it is you want to say. I don't understand it anymore.

I don't think I want to. It's getting OLD.

Ugh. Fuck it.


Next, PLEASE.

Love life? What's that?

It seems to be a recurring topic, one of the most irrelevant topics in my life that I'd rather not discuss.

Why, you ask?

Because I am lacking in that area of my life.

Partially by choice. And well, let's be frank ladies, most guys are stupid.
And the guys who could be good enough, end up being just friends.

It's not that I don't wonder what it would be like to have someone, other than close friends, to be there for me whenever I need them to be. I just haven't had much luck in finding someone who understands me that way.

"Put yourself out there."

I thought I was, am. I guess not. But whatever.

Sure, I may be missing out on one of my most important experiences to have in life, but who's to say what you need in your life but yourself. It's difficult for me to grasp onto the notion that you need someone else in your life for it to be complete. It's not a necessity to me. I've learned to be happy on my own without having to depend on someone else. It's an accomplishment.

I have other things in my life that I need to focus on and my love life, obviously, isn't a priority. I'm not like other girls who sit around hoping, praying, wishing that love would waltz right in their lives. Nor am I a girl who will go out to find love anywhere. The reality of it all, I'd rather focus on ME.

I don't need a man in my life to make me happy, damnit!

Why is that so hard to believe?

Is it because this society portrays women as dependent of men? Is it also a cultural thing?

I don't believe it. And I don't need someone to tell me otherwise.


Thank you, for opening up to me. I have insight into your personality. But damn, I don't need a lecture about having, finding, needing, a love life. That's just additional stress for me, I think.

I'm 22. I don't care if I'm in a relationship right now. If that's so hard to believe, then your just wasting your time talking to me about it, hoping that you're going to get some insight into my view of relationships. I have none. Movies don't tell me anything about what a real relationship is like. Sure, I have friends who are in relationships but their experiences are going to be totally different from mine.. whenever that will happen.

I know relationships aren't planned; they just happen. But when there isn't any potential around, that's kind of hard to even think about and consider.

I'm not a cynic. Not one bit. I believe that Love is one of the most important things in life that we can have and learn from. But Love doesn't come in one form. Family, camaraderie, and Self love...that's what I have. Romantic love can wait. I know it's a different type of love, but I'd rather wait than risk putting myself out there and getting hurt.

I've been single for a long time; it's practically all I know.
And I don't think I can leave my comfort zone.

I haven't found a person who can make me feel comfortable enough where I can trust them fully, basically with my life. That's a big risk, and the only person I trust with my life is myself.

Until that day, single and unattached is how it is. And there's nothing wrong with it.

Stop making me think otherwise, and stop beating around the damn bush!! Just say what you need to say instead of trying to give me life lessons. I didn't ask.

-----------

Ahh! I need to get away. Thank God, for this NorCal trip.

fingers crossed.

I am ecstatic.

Since I haven't been getting hours at B&N, I decided to hop back onto Craig's List to see if there could be any possible jobs I could apply to.

I was wary of using Craig's List because of what happened a few months ago, which is what put me in a financial hole at the moment, but I'm pretty happy that I decided send my resume to a behavioral therapy company.

I totally forgot that I did until I received a call earlier this morning. I was asked a few questions regarding my resume, of course, and was told a little bit about the position and that the coordinator would contact me to set up a personal interview.

I'd be working with children diagnosed with autism.
Now I kind of wished I paid more attention during my Psy 310 class but I can't change that now. Haha.

EXCITING!

I've found my motivation to finish school, somehow.
I have a lot to do in order to finish in a year.

Oh, the pressure!!

catch the beat.

One. Two. Three. Four.

Seems easy enough right?

Now, try applying the 4-count with a beat.
Still, pretty simple.

Now, apply that same 4-count and beat and try to mix it in with an entirely different beat while making it sound syncopated.
A bit tough, but doable.


If I haven't lost you already, I'm talking about the basis of learning how to mix, spin, or whatever the beat junkies/djs call it.

I must admit, I have been curious to see how well I would do with trying to mesh two different songs together. And curious to see how quickly I could pick up on it.

I've met my match.

I couldn't even grasp the concept of "catching the beat." I've been accustomed to the fact that I learn things rather quickly, especially when they're hands on. But not so much with this "instrument." People make it look so easy.

Turntables, you intimidate me.

Why I bring this up? Well, if you must know, it's because someone has taken the initiative to try to teach me how to spin.

It's not as simple as it looks.

Then again, the person teaching me may have been partial reason to why I felt so uneasy. I've never felt so vulnerable and excited with this person around before. (Ah, anonymity at its best, but I'm sure most of you know who I'm talking about.) And the thought of feeling that way just made me even more nervous than I should have been.

I wanted to learn, damnit.
Why didn't I just listen to what he was saying?

I can be such a 'girl' sometimes. Haha!

It can also be the fact that we were at his grandma's house.
Can you say, awkward!?
She gave me roses from her garden. I honestly don't know how I felt after that.
I didn't know if I should be appreciative or what.
I do know that I felt awkward and uneasy the entire time!

I did thank her though. They were really pretty roses.
See. Pretty. They were closed buds when she gave them to me and they bloomed over night. Amazing!



-----------

Thursday was an odd day.
A good day, surprisingly so. But odd.
(If you read this earlier, it said 'Friday' instead of Thursday. I mixed up days. My bad. I'm only human y'know.)

----------

Yep. That's just ONE of my many stories of awkwardness between myself and that anonymous person. We'll see what happens. But sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite when it comes to my relationship with this person. But that's another story for another time.

----------

I'm excited for the NorCal trip. EXCITED!



Haha. Just like Stewie!

----------

My curiosity gets the best of me sometimes.
Regarding the whole learning how to mix/spin, that's just by using vinyls.
There's a whole revolutionized era who have gone digital.
And that's definitely different technique involved there.
AND I just watched this video about Dj's being able to mix music videos.
Pretty cool. Check it out.

damned, that's for sure.

Well, not literally. But in a sense, I am.
I have plummeted myself into a situation that I possibly may not be able to avoid. Because of my lack of motivation and the workload I willingly chose this semester, I made my situation worse than it had to be. Earning at least a 2.0 would have taken me off of AP. Yes, I was on AP this semester.. unfortunately. But it looks like there's a huge possibility of me not being able to return to CSUN until I get myself off of that "probation/disqualified" list.

How that works? I have no clue.

I don't have anyone else to blame for my shortcomings. I just wasn't feeling up to it this semester. I've tried so many times to assure myself that I would do all this work but it just became too overwhelming to bare it all.

I never realized how anxious I get when it comes to writing papers until this afternoon. I don't think I've ever read articles so quickly in my life. And typed a paper so fast that I practically had to pull all the 'bullshit' I know out of my ass (figuratively speaking) in order to reach the 2 page minimum. But that feeling of anxiety was not fun. I wanted to give up. I almost did. But something urged me on. I don't know what it was. Maybe that there could be a slight possibility that this professor would give me a chance to turn in things in order for me to at least pass the damn class.

I really can't say.

I just know that if I can't work my "magic" with the professors of my online classes, then I'm screwed and I'd have to talk to my adviser to see what I would have to do to save my ass at CSUN. Haha.

I hate that school. UGH.

-----------

You see why I haven't blogged? :P
But it did help to get that out.

-----------

Back to work for me. Trying to make up all this stuff before grades are finalized. God, I hate electronic grading now. UGH.

Reminder.

Mare, you've got a lot of catching up to do with people's blogs.
Oh, and you've got a lot of blogging to do to catch people up with your life happenings.
You know they're curious.

------------

Back to writing my Sociology final paper.

Then off to work before 4:30pm.


Oh, the anxiety that accompanies procrastination. Haha!

"BLOG, woman."

Yes, I know I've neglected to keep you avid readers informed with my daily happenings and thoughts. I apologize. Since my laptop's not working, I haven't had the time to do so. AND I've just been lazy.

Not that anything has changed since my last entry but here's my attempt at making things up, for the cyber world at least.

For the past couple of weeks I've been working on little arts & crafts projects instead of concentrating on school work. It's been a huge stress reliever for me, though working on the projects comes with additional stress especially when I screw up what I'm working on. I enjoy it nonetheless.

I think I'd much rather sit in a room, fiddling with arts & crafts, creating something, or
singing/writing music (at least try to) rather than actual school work. It's become a bit redundant and an annoyance, even an obligation rather than something I should concentrate on and look forward to since my education somewhat determines where I end up later on in life, career wise anyway.

There's about a little less than 2 weeks left of Spring semester and I might as well just admit that I totally took the wrong approach to this semester. My mistake was taking online classes again when I knew that I wouldn't be able to discipline myself to actually do most of the work on time. It just seemed like the logical thing to do at the beginning of the semester since I was commuting from Carson to Northridge twice a week already. Imagine how I would feel if that commute were daily, I'd probably kill myself sitting in traffic every morning.

It's a learning process, I suppose.

I'm tired of school.

Thank God, summer's almost here. Though I'll be occupied with summer session and work, the thought of a fresh start sounds good to me. I can't wait.

------------------

I haven't seen "Ironman" yet. I'm disappointed in myself. I've heard good and bad things but I still want to see it.

------------------

Oh, one last thing before I end this entry.
I'm semi-addicted to frozen yogurt.
I find myself taking weekly trips to Yogurtland in Long Beach just to fix a craving.
1/2 taro, 1/2 green tea, strawberries, mochi, and cheesecake bits and I'm good to go.

Odd mixture, I know. But so delish.

-----------------

I need my Busy Bee fix. Jae-cookie, where you at son?!

guava juice.

I played hooky, again.
Gas prices suck major balls.
I hate driving to Northridge in the mornings.
I need to stop being lazy.

I will, soon.

-----------
I just spilled guava juice on my pants.
It's cold and sticky.
-----------

I want to go to the A.Keys concert!
waaaaahh.

spaceship.

GLOW IN THE DARK was AWESOME!
It was a completely different vibe than what I'm used to when I got to hip-hop shows. But I had a good time. Ye did an awesome job keeping the crowd with him at all times. I've never seen someone put out so much energy non-stop for a good 2 hours. Amazing! Lupe, N.E.R.D. were great opening acts for Ye. I was impressed. Unfortunately, my opinions about Rihanna are still the same. I was really expecting her to change my mind by putting on a spectacular show and prove to me, at least, that she is a good artist. No avail. I am glad she performed the only song I like from her albums but she didn't impress me. Rihanna fans, don't hate me but that's just the way it is. Nonetheless, the concert was one for the books. I'm glad I got enjoy it with 'zette. I owe her, literally. Hah.

---------------------------------------

People are funny. Annoying, but funny.
That guy swore he was cool but he looked and acted like a fool. HAH!

*sigh. It just had to happen to me that night, huh?! Gag.

something-itis

I'm tired of school. I envy those people who find the motivation finish even with their banter of hating school. I just don't feel motivated to do anything anymore when it comes to school. I know it's necessary to get a decent paying job. But if you think about it, I'll be in debt for the rest of my life if I further my education to where I want to be. And if I quit, mind you I don't like the idea of quitting, I wouldn't know what else to do with my life.

Life is overwhelming me right now.

I think I need a break from it all. I need to get away for a while; disappear.
I need to do something that will help me get this anxious feeling out of my system.

I feel torn between doing what is right and what I desire. Why can't I do both?

------------------------------------------

On a lighter note: GLOW TOMORROW! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
I may not show my enthusiasm outwardly but I am excited.
I haven't had time for and leisure activity these days.
I'm anxious to get out of the house and see friends.

Accomplishment: I finished the RPG Rhapsody in 3 days. Haha.

I could've used those three days to work on school stuff but, EH. Bollocks to it all!

technical difficulties.

I need a desktop. Rather, I need to turn off my laptop when I'm not using it. Haha.
I've been deprived of my music for the past three days because I overheated my laptop. Not a good feeling at all.

I don't really know what to write right now.

Things are swell on my part: new job; making new friends; school's EH but I'm trying to survive the next 5 weeks. (Damn, the semester's flying by.) Overall, I'm good. I can't wait for this summer. It feels like it's going to be just as great, if not even better, than last year!!! YAAAAY!

immunity.

I've told myself at the beginning of the year that I'm not going to have any expectations when it comes to other people. I should really stick to that. I thought things were going differently. I was a fool to believe that they were. But it doesn't phase me because I've been let down and burned too many times in the past to make something like this bring me down again. I refuse to let it happen.

It's a good thing I didn't let down my guard. I'd be fucked if I did; back to that miserable feeling of not being wanted, and not being "good enough". I'm better than that. I deserve better than that. And waiting around hoping that something could come from this is not working for me. It's quite annoying and I'm fed up with being in this twisted cycle.

If you can't step up your game. I'm done. I'd rather not waste my time giving you another chance when there could be something or someone better for me out there. You said you've changed.. please prove it to me so I don't feel like a fool for thinking you have.

---------------------------------------------------

"Be the change you want to see in this world."

-- Mahatma Ghandi

clean slate.

well, somewhat of a clean slate.

Midterms are done.
I did a mediocre job and that's a fact.
It feels like I took on more than I could handle after taking a semester off.
I need to step up my 'game' after trying to relax during this coming week.
Thank God for SPRING BREAK!
I'm not disappointed that I'm not going anywhere special to party it up.
To be honest, I'm glad that I'll be able to just stay home, relax a little bit, and catch up/get ahead with some school work.
I'm gonna give myself a little slap on the face and kick on the tush to get myself in gear.
I can't keep screwing up every semester. I want to graduate next year, damnit!
Yep, I never learn. PROCRASTINATION'S A BITCH and the only way to prevent myself from procrastinating during the second half of the semester is to cut off all distractions and just focus.

Limitations with my time online, chatting, and recreational/social events.
This sucks major balls!

I can't wait for summer.

"shooting" in CSUN dorms? really?

So, I just received an email from the president of CSUN regarding a supposed shooting in the dorms last night. Of course, the media spun the facts around making this an even more drastic matter than it really was. Shooting or no shooting, I'm kind of glad I don't live on campus. Those poor freshmen and sophomores were probably scared shitless after having to evacuate in the middle of the night.

Here's the email:


An incident arising from an interpersonal dispute involving several individuals occurred late last night in the University Park Residence Halls. Since the matter has been widely, but inaccurately, reported in the local media, I wanted to share with you the facts as we know them, based on information gathered at the scene by University Police. They are as follows:

* Two students were threatened by one or more individuals after a dispute involving issues under investigation;

* A gun was brandished during the incident, but no shots were fired at any time;

* Immediately upon being notified, University Police responded to the location and secured the area;

* LAPD provided assistance, including a surveillance helicopter;

* University Police, dispatch officers, and residence hall staff advised students to remain in their rooms as the area was searched;

* Approximately 45 minutes after the first call to University Police, officers were able to confirm that the suspects were no longer in the area and there was no further threat;

* Residence hall staff, working in conjunction with University Police, are implementing a series of measures intended to enhance resident safety;

* The investigation continues at this time.

We have attempted to correct the factual inaccuracies that have been reported on local radio and television concerning this incident.

Follow-up: As I Am

Alicia Keys is on tour and will be performing at the Honda Center on May 4th and Staples Center on May 5th!!
Dammit, I wish I was working right now. Ugh.

Fan Club pre-sale started today.

Damn you Ticketmaster for taunting me.

le sigh.

As I Am.

Her album's been out for quite a few months but I just got it this week... and I love it. I've been a fan of Alicia Keys from the very beginning. I think her new album has to be the best so far.

I really like this song:

Superwoman

Everywhere I'm turning
Nothing seems complete
I stand up and I'm searching
For the better part of me
I hang my head from sorrow
Slave to humanity
I wear it on my shoulders
Gotta find the strength in me

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman

For all the mothers fighting
For better days to come
And all my women, all my women sitting here trying
To come home before the sun
And all my sisters
Coming together
Say yes I will
Yes I can

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman

When I'm breaking down
And I can't be found
And I start to get weak
Cause no one knows
Me underneath these clothes
But I can fly
We can fly, Oooohh

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman

---------------------------
p.s. Yes, she references the "All-American Hero"... but the song has a good message.
I'm still a fan of the Dark Knight, hands down. Hahaha!
---------------------------

"Just keep playing the game," they say.
Indeed, that is what I shall do.

stressed.

I don't know what I have to do to get a decent grade in that class! It's driving me insane. Test two, better than the first, but still not good enough. Ugh. I hate you 8am class!
Time to change my study habits - seriously, and limit distractions... internet world, that means you.

I need to relax.
Thank God for this weekend...
then it's all work and no play for me to get them A's.
Haha. Ugh.

-----------------------------

It's official, I can't study at home.
I need a study buddy.

Like this one. Hahaha!

VROOOM!

More and more I am starting to believe that I truly do fit in with a lot more males than females. And for the few females that I do befriend, all seem to have similar interests with our counter-parts.

It's not a shocking revelation of mine, just an observation that became quite clear today while engaging in conversation with some classmates while awaiting our results of our midterm.
(Which I did OK with, I know I could've done better if I studied earlier and actually got some rest last night, but that's besides the point of this blog.)

I was surprised with how comfortable I've become when talking with new people. I have never carried a conversation with the group of people whom I chatted with today and I must say it was very interesting. 3 guys, 2 gals... sounds like a typical situation I'm very used to. But instead of the normal dialog that I'm familiar with i.e., sports, movies, music, etc., I was faced with something that I haven't discussed in ages: motorcycles.

Of all things that to talk about, motorcycles. I was fine in the beginning of the conversation when we were chatting about classes, majors, personalities, and other things (including cars) because I was able to follow, but they total winded me with that topic. I'm guessing it was partly because of me that the topic came up, because as a girl, my nature is to bitch and complain about almost everything. So, bringing up the fact that I have to commute from home to CSUN twice a week and having to deal with traffic, one of the guys suggested that I should get a bike -- and the conversation continues, basically between two people whilst the remaining three stand there listening.

I need a refresher course on my bikes now. It's been a while. Haha. I've always wanted to learn how to ride a bike (and when I say bike, I mean motorcycle) but I know very few people who own one. Oh well.
------------------------------
Another thing I noticed today was body language.
(With my lack of sleep, I become very observant. I suppose it's a way for me to stay awake.)

Male and female stances are completely different while in conversation with one another.
I was surprised that I actually noticed something like this but you can't really help it when you feel completely lost in a conversation.
So.. Males, when engaged in a conversation in which they are comfortable, then to stand upright, with their chest slightly protruded, seeming somewhat dominating, with their heads held up high and arms crossed to emphasizes their confidence. Males who have difficulty in finding common ground in a conversation tend to shy away, have their heads lowered and shoulders slightly elevated. Females however tend to be a bit more at ease with their stances while males try to keep that masculine image of being intimidating. Well, for the most part.

All of this from a 20-25 minute conversation with people whom I recently just met... and I didn't even know all of their names.
That'll change in the next few weeks.
------------------------------
I've been blogging quite a bit lately.
Nothing to hide, I suppose.
And it helps me organize my thoughts.

change comes with time.

"I'm a new man."

So he says.

I don't know whether to believe it or not.
It is possible to change within a year, ergo my experience in doing the same.
But is it enough to convince and sway me to letting down my guard enough for curiosity to get a taste of whatever this is?
I am slightly conflicted between my gut-feeling and my logic.
It's a tad frustrating only because answers to my questions have been quite vague.
Then again, "it's not what they say, it's what they do," correct?

What to do, what to do?

-----------------------------

I need a good massage.
College campuses need to provide spa treatments to students.
Or at least have a place where we can relax, dammit.
And I mean, REALLY relax.
The Library and Student Unions DON'T COUNT!

procrastination's a 'B' word

Midterms are right around the corner.
I can't believe it's already half way through the semester.
I feel like I'm so behind, maybe that's because I am.
Oh well, just have to keep at it, I guess.
I need a break.
Weekend be kind to me; bar, ice skating, and clubbing. It shall be interesting.

Back to studying.
------------------

My prayers are with you and your family, Jae.
It's been a while since I've chatted with the 'Big Guy'.

------------------
"I dunno. I feel shy."

HAHAHAHA!

Wow. What is going on with some of the people in my "world"?

I'm in over my head.

I just realized exactly HOW MUCH work I have to do this weekend.
I shouldn't panic too much since it's only Friday.
One thing at a time I suppose.

Things to tackle this weekend:

Friday - SOCIOLOGY: articles, discussion board responses, and text book readings.
Saturday - BUDDHISM: text book chapters, discussion board responses, and study guide questions
Sunday - AS.AM.Hist: study guide for Midterm #1


Looks possible. I just need to limit my distractions.
Alright, time to stop thinking about all of it and just do it.

------------------------------------------------
maybe I should pass on tonight... considering all the things I have to do. hmm...

waterworks.

I'll Be There For You by Bon Jovi

STUPID SONG MADE ME CRY! Hmph.

-----------------------

Ugh. WHY?! Why must I let my emotions get the best of me?

I was doing fine.

Why did you have to come back into my life NOW?

I thought it wouldn't phase me. That I could just use the whole 'cold shoulder' routine and get back to my own merry way. But it seems like it's backfiring on me. I know I should continue to be strong and resist but my gut feeling stirs me the opposite direction. I wouldn't normally be so forgiving of someone who hurt me so drastically, and I know I'm a fool if I decide to go back that direction. I don't want to back track. I want to move forward without having to look back.

But maybe looking back will help me move forward?

I can't ignore the fact that there's still unfinished business in my past that I haven't tried to deal with. I just tucked it underneath the piles of things I want/need to do, obviously so I can forget about it. Surprisingly enough, that "problem" resurfaced and I am absolutely torn.

Do I keep resisting? Do I continue to do what I'm doing, ignore my gut feeling, and just keep convincing myself with the logical thing to do? Or, do I give in? Do I find a way to make room for a small possibility of change and a second chance to see what could be? Either way, my guard is not coming down unless I know for sure what this is.

I'm confused.


Ugh. Why now.

OVERly under CONFIDENT

Ever study so much for an exam that you believed you were ready.. but when you get to take the exam, you totally forget everything and end up practically failing your first test in the class??

Yep. Happened to me this morning.

I was too anxious with trying to study things from the textbook that I didn't leave anytime to review my lecture notes. Stupid mistake, especially since Dr. Sergi did say we were going to be tested on 80% if the lecture notes. BLAH. Damn you, 8a.m. class!!

And to make matters worse, I get to my car and see a damn parking ticket on my window. Why?! Because the day pass I put on the dashboard was upside-down. (That's what I get for having to rush to class to take my exam, I guess.) Normally, I wouldn't complain because I am guilty of re-using day passes to avoid paying $5 that day but this time I actually bought a day pass. And to find that stupid ticket on my car just pissed me off. So, I had to go to the Parking and Transportation services building to appeal the damn ticket, which will take 5 weeks to process.

------------------------------------------

On top of that, I'm am extremely exhausted and have a ton of things to do.
Why can't you keep up, body?!

Oh well, enough complaining from me -- just gotta deal, right?

-----------------------------------------

Mare's on temporary hiatus as of now.
Make sure you check on me to see if I'm still breathing.

[sh]it happens.

I have this uneasy feeling of discontent lingering in the back of my mind and I DON'T LIKE IT.

And as always, I have hundreds of questions that are left unanswered because we tend to live in a self-absorbed reality where our own well-being is what needs to be satisfied before thinking of another person's. Though I must say that many of us try to escape that reality by venting or trying to figure out a solution to that problem with a third party -- it's just not the same.


It's my problem. I can't let go of the past. (So I'm told.) That may be so, but I'm also learning from it. Perhaps learning from mistakes is what's wrong here; it's taboo. And what I'm doing is not learning from my past, but running away from it. Hmm...who cares what they think.

Unless of course this is a different outlet I've found to repress negative feelings.
But if that's so, why do I feel at ease? happy? free, even?
Why does it feel as if I'm FINALLY enjoying my life the way I want to?

I'm still adjusting to the idea that things can change in such a short amount of time.
It comes with age, I guess.

------------------------------------------------

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Does it really??

People are funny.

"You should try out for American Idol."

I have heard that "suggestion" ever since the end of the first season of AI and I'm constantly reminded by different people when they hear me sing. And of course, I just laugh. The thought of going on live television, "showing off" my God-given talent to the whole world with the possibility of being shot down by three influential people in entertainment is just preposterous.

I sit here and laugh at the hundreds, even thousands, of people who believe they sound incredible when in reality they are just a big joke. I'd rather not be in their shoes. The things people do for their 15 minutes of fame. Some people really need to listen to themselves and COMPARE themselves critically to the pros. Maybe people do that, but really... do people hear themselves?!

But who am I to say what is talent and what is not. I've been told to "prove people wrong" and to "share my talent" ... but for what reasons? Yes, I do love singing. I am a singer; there isn't a day that goes by that I don't blast my music loud enough for me to sing along to. But what do I have to prove? That I CAN sing? I know I can. I may sound arrogant at the moment, but I know I sound 100% better than those who go on that show and humiliate themselves. (They COULD be hired actors/actresses for all we know, or not.) But going on a show to sing to the world competing against other people who most likely sing a hell of a lot better than I do would just increase some of the insecurities I already carry.

"But you never know."

True. But I'd rather not know. Not knowing saves myself from embarrassment and humiliation.
I must admit, I have considered going for the hell of it, for a laugh, and to get people off my back about trying out. It hasn't happened yet, and I doubt it'll happen any time soon. So, I sing for pleasure. I share it with people I feel most comfortable with and who already know I can sing. That's it. It explains my anti-posting on youtube, and myspace music of myself singing attitude.


------------------------

M: "Damn, I wish I had Christina Aguilera's voice"
E: "yeah, now she has a voice. I wish I had Eddie Van Halen's guitar"

Haha!

Spring Semester's here.

Behavior Disorders.
History of Asian Americans.
Buddhism.
Sociology of Sex and Gender.

On campus twice a week from 8am-11am. Two online classes.

Sounds like a pretty damn good schedule, right?

It is, except for the fact that all these classes require EXTENSIVE reading and, of course, tons of writing.

----------------------------

I feel that this semester will be different. Well, at least I hope it will be.

Commuting in the mornings isn't as BAD as I thought it would be. I'm actually surprised that I was able to get myself out of bed on time to get ready for my 8am class. Mind you, I had to leave my house before 6:30am in order to get to CSUN on time. Haha.

Insane? Maybe a little bit. But it does beat staying home and not being motivated to do anything school related and just watch my SOAPs, play the guitar or video games, and crochet all day long -- which sounds tempting.

I have bigger and better plans for myself.

And I suppose by making myself get up early to commute to CSUN for that 8am class is my way of changing the lethargic attitude I've had towards my education.

It's a huge change. Not as life altering as other things may be, but it's a change nonetheless.

I need to rid myself of my habit of being constantly distracted by other things and concentrate on school.

I guess I'll be on a temporary hiatus... 5 months to be exact.
Make sure to check up on me from time to time to see if I'm alive and breathing. Haha.

-------------------------

Chinese American History... be kind to me and have something interesting within the 30+ pages I must read and absorb before class next Tuesday.

Speaking about "history".
I learned about the history of how the "middle finger" came to use today in my AAS class.

Here's some useless, entertaining information for you:

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!"

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird.

Yup. It caught my attention. Now imagine an older Japanese woman telling this story. "Pluck yew." says Dr. Uba. Haha.

--------------------------

I'm hungry. I'm actually craving a Lomo Saltado.
Damnit, Jaena. Why did you have to move?!

Hello, 2008.

2-3 month hiatus.

It's been a very long while.

I've been lazy.

------------------------------------------

This blog is way over due since we're half-way into January.

I suppose it would be good to reflect on the previous year though I fear revisiting that past because of all the pain and heartache and what-not I went through. But it must be done in order to move forward.

------------------------------------------
2007, you have been cruel and kind to me simultaneously.
I have gained friends, lost friends, and grew close to many -- even began to hang out with people I've lost touch with over the years.

But that's nothing compared to the growth I have gone through in the past year.
Hitting rock bottom was something I didn't expect but I guess it's something we all must experience at least once in this Life. And in doing so, I lost people in my life whom I truly cared for.

I must say, the months before the summer was a difficult time for me -- probably the darkest moments of my life by far. Yet somehow I figured out a way to repress all of those negative feelings by keeping myself occupied. Until, of course, I was ready to confront those feelings again.

Yes, that confrontation has taken me a long time and I'm taking it one step at a time. I've slowly learned to trust people around me again and let them know the "real" me. Fear of expressing my feelings has become something I have learned to apply to my life regularly instead of repressing everything; hiding from the world.

Recap of 2007

• January: a total blur to me. Quit working at Rainbow Surprises. Moved up to Northridge (Winnetka). Started first semester at CSUN
  
  
• Spring 2007: Made new friends at CSUN. Adjusted to living on my own without having anyone I knew around me. Started working as a tutor part-time after school. Started becoming closer to Jaena. Got my heart broken while losing two people I cared about. Obviously, this was the part of my year that I didn't like very much. I spent most of my time going to the gym, studying like crazy, and commuting back home every weekend because I didn't want to be alone.
  
  
• SUMMER 2007: One of the best summers I've had so far. Vegas trips, bonfires, parties galore, good times with friends. What more could you ask for? I visited the Getty, volunteered at different events and met famous people :D (thanks, Leilanie), walked around Japan-town, photoshoots with Jaena & MA, ROCK THE BELLS -- OMG!, Six Flags. An awesome summer it was. I wonder if this year's will be just as good, or better. We'll just have to wait and see.
  
  
• Fall 2007: Hmm.. lots of confusion during this time. I was scheduled to have a surgery done at the end of August. Everything was set and good to go, except for me. I had an allergic reaction to one of the medications they gave me before the surgery and broke out into hives/rashes. Just my luck, huh? I ended up having to postpone my surgery until the doctor's figured out what I reacted to. After many tests, and appointments... I still have no idea what happened. I hate Kaiser! Anyway, I ended up dropping most of my online classes since I wasn't able to attend mandatory campus meetings since those days were usually days when the doctor's wanted to speak to me. Le sigh, such a waste of a semester.
  
  
• December: Yep. I need a separate entry for this month. I finally met my brother's girlfriend, Janine, in person. I'll let you in on a secret. She's an awesome person. Haha. Anyway, a few days before my birthday, Bri and I finally talked about what happened between the two of us. Things are still a bit rocky but it's something we're working on. Friendships/relationships take time to rebuild after a huge downfall. December 22: my birthday party -- I had the time of my life with the greatest people I know! :) End of story. Christmas: spent time with my family, met my new nephew, Raymond Rasing, Jr., and caught up with the cousins... as always.

--------------------------------------------

It was an interesting, emotional, and eventful year. I can't wait to see what this year has in store for me. Bring it on, 2008!

We're half-way through January and so much has already happened. Ice skating became a regular thing to do on the weekends, then a visit to Sonic's right after. Went to Medieval Times for Jaena's brother, Nathan's 20th birthday -- t'was very entertaining. And now, I anticipate the beginning of Spring Semester which starts next week Tuesday. I am SO not looking forward to that morning commute to Northridge. Ahhhh!

Oh well, bahala na.