annoyed.

I need someone who can be assertive and not indecisive about everything.
It's not fun being the one to make decisions ALL THE TIME.

You need to work for whatever it is you want from me this time around.
I'm tired of this bullshit of you trying to hint something to me when all you have to do is just say what the hell it is you want to say. I don't understand it anymore.

I don't think I want to. It's getting OLD.

Ugh. Fuck it.


Next, PLEASE.

Love life? What's that?

It seems to be a recurring topic, one of the most irrelevant topics in my life that I'd rather not discuss.

Why, you ask?

Because I am lacking in that area of my life.

Partially by choice. And well, let's be frank ladies, most guys are stupid.
And the guys who could be good enough, end up being just friends.

It's not that I don't wonder what it would be like to have someone, other than close friends, to be there for me whenever I need them to be. I just haven't had much luck in finding someone who understands me that way.

"Put yourself out there."

I thought I was, am. I guess not. But whatever.

Sure, I may be missing out on one of my most important experiences to have in life, but who's to say what you need in your life but yourself. It's difficult for me to grasp onto the notion that you need someone else in your life for it to be complete. It's not a necessity to me. I've learned to be happy on my own without having to depend on someone else. It's an accomplishment.

I have other things in my life that I need to focus on and my love life, obviously, isn't a priority. I'm not like other girls who sit around hoping, praying, wishing that love would waltz right in their lives. Nor am I a girl who will go out to find love anywhere. The reality of it all, I'd rather focus on ME.

I don't need a man in my life to make me happy, damnit!

Why is that so hard to believe?

Is it because this society portrays women as dependent of men? Is it also a cultural thing?

I don't believe it. And I don't need someone to tell me otherwise.


Thank you, for opening up to me. I have insight into your personality. But damn, I don't need a lecture about having, finding, needing, a love life. That's just additional stress for me, I think.

I'm 22. I don't care if I'm in a relationship right now. If that's so hard to believe, then your just wasting your time talking to me about it, hoping that you're going to get some insight into my view of relationships. I have none. Movies don't tell me anything about what a real relationship is like. Sure, I have friends who are in relationships but their experiences are going to be totally different from mine.. whenever that will happen.

I know relationships aren't planned; they just happen. But when there isn't any potential around, that's kind of hard to even think about and consider.

I'm not a cynic. Not one bit. I believe that Love is one of the most important things in life that we can have and learn from. But Love doesn't come in one form. Family, camaraderie, and Self love...that's what I have. Romantic love can wait. I know it's a different type of love, but I'd rather wait than risk putting myself out there and getting hurt.

I've been single for a long time; it's practically all I know.
And I don't think I can leave my comfort zone.

I haven't found a person who can make me feel comfortable enough where I can trust them fully, basically with my life. That's a big risk, and the only person I trust with my life is myself.

Until that day, single and unattached is how it is. And there's nothing wrong with it.

Stop making me think otherwise, and stop beating around the damn bush!! Just say what you need to say instead of trying to give me life lessons. I didn't ask.

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Ahh! I need to get away. Thank God, for this NorCal trip.

fingers crossed.

I am ecstatic.

Since I haven't been getting hours at B&N, I decided to hop back onto Craig's List to see if there could be any possible jobs I could apply to.

I was wary of using Craig's List because of what happened a few months ago, which is what put me in a financial hole at the moment, but I'm pretty happy that I decided send my resume to a behavioral therapy company.

I totally forgot that I did until I received a call earlier this morning. I was asked a few questions regarding my resume, of course, and was told a little bit about the position and that the coordinator would contact me to set up a personal interview.

I'd be working with children diagnosed with autism.
Now I kind of wished I paid more attention during my Psy 310 class but I can't change that now. Haha.

EXCITING!

I've found my motivation to finish school, somehow.
I have a lot to do in order to finish in a year.

Oh, the pressure!!

catch the beat.

One. Two. Three. Four.

Seems easy enough right?

Now, try applying the 4-count with a beat.
Still, pretty simple.

Now, apply that same 4-count and beat and try to mix it in with an entirely different beat while making it sound syncopated.
A bit tough, but doable.


If I haven't lost you already, I'm talking about the basis of learning how to mix, spin, or whatever the beat junkies/djs call it.

I must admit, I have been curious to see how well I would do with trying to mesh two different songs together. And curious to see how quickly I could pick up on it.

I've met my match.

I couldn't even grasp the concept of "catching the beat." I've been accustomed to the fact that I learn things rather quickly, especially when they're hands on. But not so much with this "instrument." People make it look so easy.

Turntables, you intimidate me.

Why I bring this up? Well, if you must know, it's because someone has taken the initiative to try to teach me how to spin.

It's not as simple as it looks.

Then again, the person teaching me may have been partial reason to why I felt so uneasy. I've never felt so vulnerable and excited with this person around before. (Ah, anonymity at its best, but I'm sure most of you know who I'm talking about.) And the thought of feeling that way just made me even more nervous than I should have been.

I wanted to learn, damnit.
Why didn't I just listen to what he was saying?

I can be such a 'girl' sometimes. Haha!

It can also be the fact that we were at his grandma's house.
Can you say, awkward!?
She gave me roses from her garden. I honestly don't know how I felt after that.
I didn't know if I should be appreciative or what.
I do know that I felt awkward and uneasy the entire time!

I did thank her though. They were really pretty roses.
See. Pretty. They were closed buds when she gave them to me and they bloomed over night. Amazing!



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Thursday was an odd day.
A good day, surprisingly so. But odd.
(If you read this earlier, it said 'Friday' instead of Thursday. I mixed up days. My bad. I'm only human y'know.)

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Yep. That's just ONE of my many stories of awkwardness between myself and that anonymous person. We'll see what happens. But sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite when it comes to my relationship with this person. But that's another story for another time.

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I'm excited for the NorCal trip. EXCITED!



Haha. Just like Stewie!

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My curiosity gets the best of me sometimes.
Regarding the whole learning how to mix/spin, that's just by using vinyls.
There's a whole revolutionized era who have gone digital.
And that's definitely different technique involved there.
AND I just watched this video about Dj's being able to mix music videos.
Pretty cool. Check it out.

damned, that's for sure.

Well, not literally. But in a sense, I am.
I have plummeted myself into a situation that I possibly may not be able to avoid. Because of my lack of motivation and the workload I willingly chose this semester, I made my situation worse than it had to be. Earning at least a 2.0 would have taken me off of AP. Yes, I was on AP this semester.. unfortunately. But it looks like there's a huge possibility of me not being able to return to CSUN until I get myself off of that "probation/disqualified" list.

How that works? I have no clue.

I don't have anyone else to blame for my shortcomings. I just wasn't feeling up to it this semester. I've tried so many times to assure myself that I would do all this work but it just became too overwhelming to bare it all.

I never realized how anxious I get when it comes to writing papers until this afternoon. I don't think I've ever read articles so quickly in my life. And typed a paper so fast that I practically had to pull all the 'bullshit' I know out of my ass (figuratively speaking) in order to reach the 2 page minimum. But that feeling of anxiety was not fun. I wanted to give up. I almost did. But something urged me on. I don't know what it was. Maybe that there could be a slight possibility that this professor would give me a chance to turn in things in order for me to at least pass the damn class.

I really can't say.

I just know that if I can't work my "magic" with the professors of my online classes, then I'm screwed and I'd have to talk to my adviser to see what I would have to do to save my ass at CSUN. Haha.

I hate that school. UGH.

-----------

You see why I haven't blogged? :P
But it did help to get that out.

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Back to work for me. Trying to make up all this stuff before grades are finalized. God, I hate electronic grading now. UGH.

Reminder.

Mare, you've got a lot of catching up to do with people's blogs.
Oh, and you've got a lot of blogging to do to catch people up with your life happenings.
You know they're curious.

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Back to writing my Sociology final paper.

Then off to work before 4:30pm.


Oh, the anxiety that accompanies procrastination. Haha!

"BLOG, woman."

Yes, I know I've neglected to keep you avid readers informed with my daily happenings and thoughts. I apologize. Since my laptop's not working, I haven't had the time to do so. AND I've just been lazy.

Not that anything has changed since my last entry but here's my attempt at making things up, for the cyber world at least.

For the past couple of weeks I've been working on little arts & crafts projects instead of concentrating on school work. It's been a huge stress reliever for me, though working on the projects comes with additional stress especially when I screw up what I'm working on. I enjoy it nonetheless.

I think I'd much rather sit in a room, fiddling with arts & crafts, creating something, or
singing/writing music (at least try to) rather than actual school work. It's become a bit redundant and an annoyance, even an obligation rather than something I should concentrate on and look forward to since my education somewhat determines where I end up later on in life, career wise anyway.

There's about a little less than 2 weeks left of Spring semester and I might as well just admit that I totally took the wrong approach to this semester. My mistake was taking online classes again when I knew that I wouldn't be able to discipline myself to actually do most of the work on time. It just seemed like the logical thing to do at the beginning of the semester since I was commuting from Carson to Northridge twice a week already. Imagine how I would feel if that commute were daily, I'd probably kill myself sitting in traffic every morning.

It's a learning process, I suppose.

I'm tired of school.

Thank God, summer's almost here. Though I'll be occupied with summer session and work, the thought of a fresh start sounds good to me. I can't wait.

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I haven't seen "Ironman" yet. I'm disappointed in myself. I've heard good and bad things but I still want to see it.

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Oh, one last thing before I end this entry.
I'm semi-addicted to frozen yogurt.
I find myself taking weekly trips to Yogurtland in Long Beach just to fix a craving.
1/2 taro, 1/2 green tea, strawberries, mochi, and cheesecake bits and I'm good to go.

Odd mixture, I know. But so delish.

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I need my Busy Bee fix. Jae-cookie, where you at son?!