[sh]it happens.

I have this uneasy feeling of discontent lingering in the back of my mind and I DON'T LIKE IT.

And as always, I have hundreds of questions that are left unanswered because we tend to live in a self-absorbed reality where our own well-being is what needs to be satisfied before thinking of another person's. Though I must say that many of us try to escape that reality by venting or trying to figure out a solution to that problem with a third party -- it's just not the same.


It's my problem. I can't let go of the past. (So I'm told.) That may be so, but I'm also learning from it. Perhaps learning from mistakes is what's wrong here; it's taboo. And what I'm doing is not learning from my past, but running away from it. Hmm...who cares what they think.

Unless of course this is a different outlet I've found to repress negative feelings.
But if that's so, why do I feel at ease? happy? free, even?
Why does it feel as if I'm FINALLY enjoying my life the way I want to?

I'm still adjusting to the idea that things can change in such a short amount of time.
It comes with age, I guess.

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"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Does it really??

People are funny.

"You should try out for American Idol."

I have heard that "suggestion" ever since the end of the first season of AI and I'm constantly reminded by different people when they hear me sing. And of course, I just laugh. The thought of going on live television, "showing off" my God-given talent to the whole world with the possibility of being shot down by three influential people in entertainment is just preposterous.

I sit here and laugh at the hundreds, even thousands, of people who believe they sound incredible when in reality they are just a big joke. I'd rather not be in their shoes. The things people do for their 15 minutes of fame. Some people really need to listen to themselves and COMPARE themselves critically to the pros. Maybe people do that, but really... do people hear themselves?!

But who am I to say what is talent and what is not. I've been told to "prove people wrong" and to "share my talent" ... but for what reasons? Yes, I do love singing. I am a singer; there isn't a day that goes by that I don't blast my music loud enough for me to sing along to. But what do I have to prove? That I CAN sing? I know I can. I may sound arrogant at the moment, but I know I sound 100% better than those who go on that show and humiliate themselves. (They COULD be hired actors/actresses for all we know, or not.) But going on a show to sing to the world competing against other people who most likely sing a hell of a lot better than I do would just increase some of the insecurities I already carry.

"But you never know."

True. But I'd rather not know. Not knowing saves myself from embarrassment and humiliation.
I must admit, I have considered going for the hell of it, for a laugh, and to get people off my back about trying out. It hasn't happened yet, and I doubt it'll happen any time soon. So, I sing for pleasure. I share it with people I feel most comfortable with and who already know I can sing. That's it. It explains my anti-posting on youtube, and myspace music of myself singing attitude.


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M: "Damn, I wish I had Christina Aguilera's voice"
E: "yeah, now she has a voice. I wish I had Eddie Van Halen's guitar"

Haha!

Spring Semester's here.

Behavior Disorders.
History of Asian Americans.
Buddhism.
Sociology of Sex and Gender.

On campus twice a week from 8am-11am. Two online classes.

Sounds like a pretty damn good schedule, right?

It is, except for the fact that all these classes require EXTENSIVE reading and, of course, tons of writing.

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I feel that this semester will be different. Well, at least I hope it will be.

Commuting in the mornings isn't as BAD as I thought it would be. I'm actually surprised that I was able to get myself out of bed on time to get ready for my 8am class. Mind you, I had to leave my house before 6:30am in order to get to CSUN on time. Haha.

Insane? Maybe a little bit. But it does beat staying home and not being motivated to do anything school related and just watch my SOAPs, play the guitar or video games, and crochet all day long -- which sounds tempting.

I have bigger and better plans for myself.

And I suppose by making myself get up early to commute to CSUN for that 8am class is my way of changing the lethargic attitude I've had towards my education.

It's a huge change. Not as life altering as other things may be, but it's a change nonetheless.

I need to rid myself of my habit of being constantly distracted by other things and concentrate on school.

I guess I'll be on a temporary hiatus... 5 months to be exact.
Make sure to check up on me from time to time to see if I'm alive and breathing. Haha.

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Chinese American History... be kind to me and have something interesting within the 30+ pages I must read and absorb before class next Tuesday.

Speaking about "history".
I learned about the history of how the "middle finger" came to use today in my AAS class.

Here's some useless, entertaining information for you:

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!"

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird.

Yup. It caught my attention. Now imagine an older Japanese woman telling this story. "Pluck yew." says Dr. Uba. Haha.

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I'm hungry. I'm actually craving a Lomo Saltado.
Damnit, Jaena. Why did you have to move?!

Hello, 2008.

2-3 month hiatus.

It's been a very long while.

I've been lazy.

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This blog is way over due since we're half-way into January.

I suppose it would be good to reflect on the previous year though I fear revisiting that past because of all the pain and heartache and what-not I went through. But it must be done in order to move forward.

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2007, you have been cruel and kind to me simultaneously.
I have gained friends, lost friends, and grew close to many -- even began to hang out with people I've lost touch with over the years.

But that's nothing compared to the growth I have gone through in the past year.
Hitting rock bottom was something I didn't expect but I guess it's something we all must experience at least once in this Life. And in doing so, I lost people in my life whom I truly cared for.

I must say, the months before the summer was a difficult time for me -- probably the darkest moments of my life by far. Yet somehow I figured out a way to repress all of those negative feelings by keeping myself occupied. Until, of course, I was ready to confront those feelings again.

Yes, that confrontation has taken me a long time and I'm taking it one step at a time. I've slowly learned to trust people around me again and let them know the "real" me. Fear of expressing my feelings has become something I have learned to apply to my life regularly instead of repressing everything; hiding from the world.

Recap of 2007

• January: a total blur to me. Quit working at Rainbow Surprises. Moved up to Northridge (Winnetka). Started first semester at CSUN
  
  
• Spring 2007: Made new friends at CSUN. Adjusted to living on my own without having anyone I knew around me. Started working as a tutor part-time after school. Started becoming closer to Jaena. Got my heart broken while losing two people I cared about. Obviously, this was the part of my year that I didn't like very much. I spent most of my time going to the gym, studying like crazy, and commuting back home every weekend because I didn't want to be alone.
  
  
• SUMMER 2007: One of the best summers I've had so far. Vegas trips, bonfires, parties galore, good times with friends. What more could you ask for? I visited the Getty, volunteered at different events and met famous people :D (thanks, Leilanie), walked around Japan-town, photoshoots with Jaena & MA, ROCK THE BELLS -- OMG!, Six Flags. An awesome summer it was. I wonder if this year's will be just as good, or better. We'll just have to wait and see.
  
  
• Fall 2007: Hmm.. lots of confusion during this time. I was scheduled to have a surgery done at the end of August. Everything was set and good to go, except for me. I had an allergic reaction to one of the medications they gave me before the surgery and broke out into hives/rashes. Just my luck, huh? I ended up having to postpone my surgery until the doctor's figured out what I reacted to. After many tests, and appointments... I still have no idea what happened. I hate Kaiser! Anyway, I ended up dropping most of my online classes since I wasn't able to attend mandatory campus meetings since those days were usually days when the doctor's wanted to speak to me. Le sigh, such a waste of a semester.
  
  
• December: Yep. I need a separate entry for this month. I finally met my brother's girlfriend, Janine, in person. I'll let you in on a secret. She's an awesome person. Haha. Anyway, a few days before my birthday, Bri and I finally talked about what happened between the two of us. Things are still a bit rocky but it's something we're working on. Friendships/relationships take time to rebuild after a huge downfall. December 22: my birthday party -- I had the time of my life with the greatest people I know! :) End of story. Christmas: spent time with my family, met my new nephew, Raymond Rasing, Jr., and caught up with the cousins... as always.

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It was an interesting, emotional, and eventful year. I can't wait to see what this year has in store for me. Bring it on, 2008!

We're half-way through January and so much has already happened. Ice skating became a regular thing to do on the weekends, then a visit to Sonic's right after. Went to Medieval Times for Jaena's brother, Nathan's 20th birthday -- t'was very entertaining. And now, I anticipate the beginning of Spring Semester which starts next week Tuesday. I am SO not looking forward to that morning commute to Northridge. Ahhhh!

Oh well, bahala na.