Drawn.

I have a new found appreciation for literature and music that I never thought I'd actually enjoy. I guess it comes with age and with curiosity.

I found my CD of The Phantom of the Opera... but it's missing Disc 1! I'm upset! I have no idea where it is so I'm listening to the ending of the production on Disc 2.

I gave up on reading Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen. It takes way too much effort to read her works and I'm not really in the mood to think that much to comprehend her work.

Oh well. The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis has my attention as of now.

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The Point Of No Return <--- my favorite part ^_^ DON JUAN (Phantom): Past the point of no return - no backward glances: the games we've played till now are at an end... Past all thought of 'if' or 'when' - no use resisting: abandon thought, and let the dream descend... What raging fire shall flood the soul? What rich desire unlocks its door? What sweet seduction lies before us...? Past the point of no return, the final threshold - what warm, unspoken secrets will we learn? Beyond the point of no return... AMINTA (Christine) You have brought me to that moment where words run dry, to that moment where speech disappears into silence, silence... I have come here, hardly knowing the reason why... In my mind, I've already imagined our bodies entwining, defenceless and silent - and now I am here with you: no second thoughts, I've decided, decided... Past the point of no return - no going back now: our passion-play has now, at last, begun... Past all thought of right or wrong - one final question: how long should we two wait, before we're one...? When will the blood begin to race, the sleeping bud burst into bloom? When will the flames at last, consume us...? BOTH Past the point of no return, the final threshold - the bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn... We've passed the point of no return... PHANTOM Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime... Lead me, save me from my solitude... Say you want me with you, here beside you... Anywhere you go let me go too - Christine, that's all I ask of... [end scene] ___________________________________ Get educated. Don't be afraid. It doesn't hurt. =]

Artsy fartsy.

For the past couple of days I have diverged from the normalcy of daily routine. I find myself delving into various genres of music, consumed in its mystery in search, possibly, of something new and exciting -- success. Variety seems to be a lifestyle I've become attached to recently. Or is it a search for individuality? I really can't say that that is certain. It surprises me though. As I began to listen to the artists/cds that I have failed to keep in continuous rotation, memories of past events filled my head and even my heart. Memories of good and bad, but mostly good. It's an amazing feeling to be able to share music with people you care for. It enables yourself, as well as those reciprocating the music, to connect on a deeper level. More than just genuine friendship, but something more of a spiritual nature. I do not refer to religious spirituality, however that also comes into effect in a category of its own, yet I refer to the connection that people share when they exchange knowledge and passion of music.

After a conversation with Jaena during our random adventures driving around the South Bay, we realized (rather Jaena than I) that many of our friends are musically gifted. I prefer ARTISTICALLY GIFTED to include those who don't play an instrument or sing but do excel in other forms of art such as writing, dance, drawing/painting, etc. I feel blessed to be a part of such a well-rounded group of people who continually teach me something new about themselves and their passions. It's amazing that the expression of individuality for many stems from the Arts, which I adore with a passion.

I'm perturbed by those who fail to appreciate the beauty of lost art and art in general. Whether it be auditory or visual, I feel as if REAL art is under appreciated by many while being replaced by what the media portrays as the current fad.

Sad.

I long for days that I can be a part of a routine lifestyle of theatrical productions, plays, operas, concerts of symphonies and not just of current musicians/artists. Visitations of galleries and museums becomes a hobby and not just an occasional privilege.

One day.

Embrace.

Green Eyed Monster.

Without a doubt, I know I have many insecurities that weigh down my confidence. But what always seems to make me cringe is the thought of myself constantly becoming jealous over someone. ONE person in particular.
I find it very irritating, and quite frankly, ridiculous. The person who I am jealous of does not even compare to me... AT ALL!! Yet, just the thought of this person makes me want to do unspeakable things to them just to get rid of my problem, which probably won't do me any good.

I can't stand it. And it appears to be getting worse.

I hate that you have this effect on me!! Hate it!

Intervention, please!

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Yes, I am still afraid of being absolutely open with everything that's going on in my mind. I hide behind this persona that I allow people to see preventing them from getting to know who I really am. It's not because I dislike sharing myself with people, not even close. But being hurt in the past prevents me from doing so. I do believe that relationships are key to having a successful life ranging from familial to romantic ones. However, maintaining functional relationships is hard work and comes with many unspoken sacrifices and difficulties. And if not careful, these relationships can falter. In my case, it has evolved into something that I never thought would occur between myself and a best friend of mine. But that's another story for another time.
Revelation of what I truly feel will take me time to get used to. I know I can't hide behind forever and eventually someone will find/see the REAL me. Am I ready for that? Possibly. Will it happen? Without a doubt. And it's something I'm willing to face when the time comes. As of now, I await what this life has in store for me. I am still emotionally bruised from what the past couple of months brought to me but I won't allow myself to dwell on it. Maybe I am running away from the reality of the situations. And yes, I know I should face them to give me peace of mind. But will that really make me feel better? I think so. No, I know so. I'm just scared.

Thin Line.

How is it possible to believe that we can still be friends after what happened?
Frankly, I don't think we were ever friends to begin with.
Friends would never treat each other that way.
And right now, I don't think I can call you my friend.
You don't know me, the REAL ME.
You never gave yourself the chance to find out.
But should that even matter now?
Everything is changing and I'm not sorry that they are.
There's one thing I know for sure and it's that I can't take it anymore.
I've tried hiding. I've tried running. I've tried forgetting.
None of it worked.
I just dug myself into deeper holes than I should have.
Risked everything and anything that had meaning in my life.
Even risked a friendship that I thought was strong enough to withstand something like this.
But I was wrong.
I give up.
I fell. and I'm still falling.
And there's no one there to catch me.

I wished it was you.

But I don't want it to be you. Not anymore.


It hurts too much.

Sacrifice

Sacrifice.

A metaphorical term used to describe "self-less" acts of good.

But can sacrifice really be "self-less"?

Sacrificing something can never be self-less, in my eyes, for there is always the desire or expectation of gaining something during the process of that sacrifice. Whether that desire/expectation may be a conscious one or not, there will always be something that one wants to gain eventually.

Sacrifice, in my case, was unconsciously done for my selfish needs/wants.

It was done to be able to learn and grow.
I wanted to learn.
I wanted to live; to do things without examining all repercussions before hand.
I wanted to experience different things and meet new people...
Without having to feel like I was being held back or seek approval of my preconceived notions from those I hold near and dear to me.

But was that sacrifice necessary initially?

Possibly.

Yet, it's brought chaos into my social circle unintentionally.

How do I break this "cold war"?
Should I be brave enough to break this tension that I take partial responsibility for?
Or should I just leave it alone, wait, and hope for the best?

I can't take the easy way out. It doesn't exist.

To save a friendship after a fallout seems like the most difficult thing to do right now.

And this time, I really can't take my own advice.

I'm losing people who I truly care about.

It hurts.

But why must I let pain prevent me from living?

I shouldn't.

But am I willing to let years of friendship slip away because of my stubbornness?

In time.

First

First post.

Testing....

Will update later.....