Overwhelmed.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

I am swamped.

No time for a social life anymore.

It sucks.

My friends are the words printed on the pages of books for now.

Damn you, midterms!


Sloth.

Friday, September 28, 2007

I need something else to do besides homework these days. Sitting at home day after day can be tiresome and boring. I try to find something to do, but I have no luck at times.

Being at home makes me lazy.

I need to be out doing something productive.

I wish I were in Northridge right now. I'd be probably sitting in front of my computer or the t.v. doing the same things I'm doing now, but it's different. There' d be less NOISE. I'd be doing my own thing, having ME time.




I'm sleepy. I'll continue my rantings later.


Words.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Do not speak words
for they posses no meaning without action

Do not try to explain what you do not understand
for experience only allows us to grow so much

And by knowing this
it prevents us from
Letting go

letting go of the
Experience

for the experience is what we try to live for

and what we live for is what we never seem to forget
Forget
Who we are
Forget
who we were
Forget
what we did
Forget
Forget ME

for words are what you gave me
In Silence
through your eyes
which spoke in endless verses
of songs, pslams, poems
of my past
my present
my future
haunting my every waking thought
only to see that I was blinded
by the search for
Words
words
w o r d s

to describe exactly what i was feeling
but silence In
sigh
lens
we sat in silence
in darkness
with only the moon gleaming in your
Eyes
as they smiled at me
briefly
for only that moment
with curiosity and

Still
NO
WORDS

waiting for that verbal
communication
that tonal vibration
to make my ear drum tingle
sending intricate sounds
throughout my soul
captivating my every thought
movement
desire
to surrender
to those
WORDS

But Silence is all we had
Silence is all we ever heard

Silence

is what remains
for you are no longer here



And now, I have Words
But you're not here to hear
to listen
to grasp
to comprehend
to understand

it's just






-silence-

BAH-HUM-BUG!! >:O

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I realized that I'm not over it completely. I am still angry at him. In fact, I hate him. For everything he put me through, for making me wait so long only to tell me that he never had any intention of taking things further. He knew how I felt about him and used that to his advantage. I feel so used and I don't know if I can get over it enough to open myself up again. Not yet. As much as I want to, I can't.

IT HURTS LIKE HELL!

Every time his name is mentioned, I see his picture, sn, or hear a song that reminds me of him it tears me up inside and makes me feel angry at him, at the situation, at her for encouraging me, at myself for believing all the bullshit. I HATE IT!

I can't say that it's entirely his fault because I should have known better.

But I guess when you think that it's "love", things are never clear.

I should have used better judgment; should have never cross that line of friendship.

But we did. And it happened. But I have not forgiven him.

I don't think I ever will.

Summer days are gone too soon. You shoot the moon and miss completely.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Ugh. I read my last entry I wrote about a month ago and it made me cry.

I haven't had the urge to blog lately. I don't know why.

I think I should make it a daily habit.


Let's recap the summer, shall we:
(where should I start?)

  • Jaena's friend, Heather's party
  • Vegas (June 22-24) for Noel's birthday with Jaena and David
  • Kick-off summer bonfire (June 30) at Huntington Beach
  • Ricky's birthday party
  • Getting lost in NoHo with Maria and Jaena
  • Tony's birthday celebration at Grand World Buffet and Dave & Busters @ the Irvine Spectrum on July 15
  • Vince and Oz's parties
  • The Valley party with Raychel and friends on August 3
  • RatPack Doubles 8-ball tourney @ Rack`em Billiards - August 4
  • The Getty with Jaena & LJ
  • Bonfire part II @ Dockweiler on August 10th
  • ROCK THE BELLS 2007 @ the Glen Helen Pavilion on August 11 with Maria, Paul, Guevarra, CJ, Richard, Mike, Mark, Ozzie, and Chris. Saw Leilanie =D
  • CJ's birthday celebration at D&B @ The Block in Orange - August 13
  • Lilly's birthday dinner at El Pollo Inka with Jaena, David, Tony, Keith, and Willie - August 16
  • Photo shoot in Gardena with Maria and Jaena
  • Starbucks guy... Haha!
  • Party @ my house Part 1 & 2 (August 17 & 18) - Karaoke and drunken nonsense =]
  • Projekt NewSpeak (August 18) with Leilanie
  • Lupitas Sunday afternoon with Jaena after a long Saturday night (haha)
  • Guppies, El Pollo Inka, Del Amo/Galleria/Cerritos Mall, The Spot
  • Six Flags with Jaena, Willie, Rachel, and Keith - August 24
  • Vegas trip (August 25) with Jaena to meet up with Willie
This year's summer was the best summer I've had by far.

------------------------------------------------

I'm not in the mood to blog right now. I'll leave it at this.

Disconnected.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

I feel horrible. I'm having the time of my life but I can't really enjoy every moment of it because of one problem haunting the back of my mind. Everyone who I have spoken to about it tells me to be the bigger person and try to resolve it. But I can't because I don't believe I did anything wrong. But neither does the other person. Every time I think about it, it breaks my heart because I wish things weren't as bad as they are now. It's been 4 months that I haven't talked to my best friend. I don't even know if I should be calling her that anymore. We always said that we wouldn't let a guy get in between our friendship. Apparently, one did. And I never thought that it would happen. And she chose her friendship to him over saving ours. Well, that's what it feels like. And I'm not afraid to say it. My heart was broken by two people I cared about, still do care about, but there's nothing I can do but wait until the waters are still.

I don't really think there's much hope left though. She wanted time and space, so I gave it to her. Yet she's waiting for ME to say something. I don't think she's being fair.

-----------------------------------------

I'm sorry you can't control things that are going on in my life anymore. Actually, you never could. I know I surprised with what I told you about a year ago that happened between him and I, but shit happens and we just have to learn how to deal with it. You know I never meant to keep you in dark about anything, I just wanted to do things on my own and experience things on my own without having someone help me through it. You have to understand that I am my own person and that I need space to grow. I can't be known or associated with you all the time. It's not normal. I am my own person, not half of you. We ARE sisters because we compliment each other and not complete each other. But I guess that's something you have to understand. It's something I had to learn. I needed to fall on my own and learn to pick myself up own my own because you won't always be there. You're in a relationship you've always wanted. Who am I to get in the way of that? Is it really fair of you to want and expect so much from me when I don't expect it from you? I trust your judgment and wisdom enough to know that you have a strong head on your shoulders and that you'll be able to pick yourself up when you need to. But you refuse to see it. I don't need you as much as you think. I'm fine on my own. It's something I've learned to accept and appreciate. But you need to see it for yourself. You have to realize that it was YOU who needed ME all this time. It may sound arrogant of me to say, but I do believe that it's true. I was too afraid to be myself around you only because of your highly judgmental criticism which didn't help one bit. It felt as if everything I said or did was WRONG when it came down to trying to figure out if something was going right or wrong in my life. At one point, I hated myself for it. I wasn't "MARE", I was YOUR "Mare". The "Mare" you wanted me to be. But no more. I've found my niche and I'm not letting go of it. You'll never understand why I'm acting this way. And you'll never be able to dictate my choices anymore. I choose for myself. I've learned to appreciate what I have. And if it's wrong to want to open up myself to other people who haven't necessarily been there for me before, I'm sorry. But I don't think I should be apologizing to you entirely. I am sorry that things got this way. But I don't wish I could turn back time and take it back because I've grown so much in the past 4 months that repressing things isn't exactly something I like doing. I like talking about thing now. But you're not there for me. You made that clear when you said that you can no longer call me your "sister". I do wish you the best because you deserve it. As for me, I'll keep living my life the way I am now. It still breaks my heart that I fear going to you just to talk, but it happens. I hope that you find it in your heart someone to forgive me, because that's what I've done for you. There's no sense in holding a grudge and keeping things bottled up inside. I hate that it's creating "sides" within our group of friends, but I guess we just have to give this time. Impersonal and public, yes. But it's the only way I can get things off of my mind momentarily. I know things will never be the same but hopefully, one day, we can work on it. That is if you want it to work. Good luck in life, sis. I wish you well.

Speechless.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Rock The Bells 2007

It's really difficult to explain EXACTLY how I felt about this year's festival. A part of me had an awesome time yet the other part is a bit disappointed. I guess I'll just have to recap the entire day...

Taking off to RTB wasn't bad at all. I picked up Maria in Long Beach, Chris in Carson, then hopped on the 110N to pick up Paul in Gardena. It took us about 1 1/2 hours to get to the Glen Helen Hyundai Pavilion in San Bernardino. Parking was WAY too expensive. We had to wait in a VERY LONG line just to get into venue which I believe started forming at 7-8am since all the talk throughout the line was that it reached the parking lot around 9am. The heat was unbearable but thank God for sunblock. Haha! Once again, I was able to sneak a camera in because the person who checked my bag didn't thoroughly inspect it which probably pissed off MANY people who were around us when they saw us taking pictures. Haha!

I have to admit that I enjoyed the time Maria, Chris, Paul, and I spent in the pit. Seeing Immortal Technique, Pharoahe Monch, and EPMD up close was awesome. Unfortunately, Maria and I weren't able to enjoy the entire concert down there due to hunger and lack of hydration, and the event staff being total pricks!

Though it wasn't a total loss. I spent majority of the day with Maria, with our frequent trips to the women's restroom to avoid the heatwave, and the guys (Richard, CJ, Mike, and Mark later joined by Ozzie and Chris). I'm glad I got to see Leilanie again this year which was totally planned and NOT by chance like at last year's RTB. Mos Def, Talib Kweli, Nas, The Roots, were awesome.. from the very little I heard because of mine and Maria's frequent trips to the restroom.

Aside from the dehydration, and unbearable heat... it wasn't too bad. I have to admit that Cypress Hill really set off the night after the sunset. It seemed like once the sun went down everyone had enough energy to last them through the rest of the night. Wu-tang was AWESOME! A bit upset that I missed out on their performance last year but this year's made up for it because majority of the them were on the stage.

While waiting for Rage to come on the stage, some guy that was sitting behind Oz puked on Oz's leg.

Hahaha! I know there's not relevance to that event but it was just hilarious to hear Oz freak out.

Then, some guy (I believe his name was Eric) spilled beer on me and began to wipe it off of me. >.<>

Desire.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

I want to go to New York for my birthday this year. I've wanted to go for the past couple of years now, and it's never happened.

I've thought about this long and hard about this and I've been making excuses every single year for not following through with what I want to do. I am going to make this happen. Somehow.

I don't know exactly what I'm going to do there.. but hey, roaming around a new city would be fun.

I'm in dire need for change in my life.
I'm getting tired of this constant routine that makes me feel like I'm just wandering around aimlessly waiting for something exciting to happen.

I realized that being an "individual" and "independent" involves the "I" and no one else will help me get where I want to be.

Ahh.. well, we'll see what happens.


NEW YORK/East Coast... here I come.

Drawn.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

I have a new found appreciation for literature and music that I never thought I'd actually enjoy. I guess it comes with age and with curiosity.

I found my CD of The Phantom of the Opera... but it's missing Disc 1! I'm upset! I have no idea where it is so I'm listening to the ending of the production on Disc 2.

I gave up on reading Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen. It takes way too much effort to read her works and I'm not really in the mood to think that much to comprehend her work.

Oh well. The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis has my attention as of now.

_____________________________________

The Point Of No Return <--- my favorite part ^_^ DON JUAN (Phantom): Past the point of no return - no backward glances: the games we've played till now are at an end... Past all thought of 'if' or 'when' - no use resisting: abandon thought, and let the dream descend... What raging fire shall flood the soul? What rich desire unlocks its door? What sweet seduction lies before us...? Past the point of no return, the final threshold - what warm, unspoken secrets will we learn? Beyond the point of no return... AMINTA (Christine) You have brought me to that moment where words run dry, to that moment where speech disappears into silence, silence... I have come here, hardly knowing the reason why... In my mind, I've already imagined our bodies entwining, defenceless and silent - and now I am here with you: no second thoughts, I've decided, decided... Past the point of no return - no going back now: our passion-play has now, at last, begun... Past all thought of right or wrong - one final question: how long should we two wait, before we're one...? When will the blood begin to race, the sleeping bud burst into bloom? When will the flames at last, consume us...? BOTH Past the point of no return, the final threshold - the bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn... We've passed the point of no return... PHANTOM Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime... Lead me, save me from my solitude... Say you want me with you, here beside you... Anywhere you go let me go too - Christine, that's all I ask of... [end scene] ___________________________________ Get educated. Don't be afraid. It doesn't hurt. =]

Artsy fartsy.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

For the past couple of days I have diverged from the normalcy of daily routine. I find myself delving into various genres of music, consumed in its mystery in search, possibly, of something new and exciting -- success. Variety seems to be a lifestyle I've become attached to recently. Or is it a search for individuality? I really can't say that that is certain. It surprises me though. As I began to listen to the artists/cds that I have failed to keep in continuous rotation, memories of past events filled my head and even my heart. Memories of good and bad, but mostly good. It's an amazing feeling to be able to share music with people you care for. It enables yourself, as well as those reciprocating the music, to connect on a deeper level. More than just genuine friendship, but something more of a spiritual nature. I do not refer to religious spirituality, however that also comes into effect in a category of its own, yet I refer to the connection that people share when they exchange knowledge and passion of music.

After a conversation with Jaena during our random adventures driving around the South Bay, we realized (rather Jaena than I) that many of our friends are musically gifted. I prefer ARTISTICALLY GIFTED to include those who don't play an instrument or sing but do excel in other forms of art such as writing, dance, drawing/painting, etc. I feel blessed to be a part of such a well-rounded group of people who continually teach me something new about themselves and their passions. It's amazing that the expression of individuality for many stems from the Arts, which I adore with a passion.

I'm perturbed by those who fail to appreciate the beauty of lost art and art in general. Whether it be auditory or visual, I feel as if REAL art is under appreciated by many while being replaced by what the media portrays as the current fad.

Sad.

I long for days that I can be a part of a routine lifestyle of theatrical productions, plays, operas, concerts of symphonies and not just of current musicians/artists. Visitations of galleries and museums becomes a hobby and not just an occasional privilege.

One day.

Embrace.

Green Eyed Monster.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Without a doubt, I know I have many insecurities that weigh down my confidence. But what always seems to make me cringe is the thought of myself constantly becoming jealous over someone. ONE person in particular.
I find it very irritating, and quite frankly, ridiculous. The person who I am jealous of does not even compare to me... AT ALL!! Yet, just the thought of this person makes me want to do unspeakable things to them just to get rid of my problem, which probably won't do me any good.

I can't stand it. And it appears to be getting worse.

I hate that you have this effect on me!! Hate it!

Intervention, please!

_______________________________________________

Yes, I am still afraid of being absolutely open with everything that's going on in my mind. I hide behind this persona that I allow people to see preventing them from getting to know who I really am. It's not because I dislike sharing myself with people, not even close. But being hurt in the past prevents me from doing so. I do believe that relationships are key to having a successful life ranging from familial to romantic ones. However, maintaining functional relationships is hard work and comes with many unspoken sacrifices and difficulties. And if not careful, these relationships can falter. In my case, it has evolved into something that I never thought would occur between myself and a best friend of mine. But that's another story for another time.
Revelation of what I truly feel will take me time to get used to. I know I can't hide behind forever and eventually someone will find/see the REAL me. Am I ready for that? Possibly. Will it happen? Without a doubt. And it's something I'm willing to face when the time comes. As of now, I await what this life has in store for me. I am still emotionally bruised from what the past couple of months brought to me but I won't allow myself to dwell on it. Maybe I am running away from the reality of the situations. And yes, I know I should face them to give me peace of mind. But will that really make me feel better? I think so. No, I know so. I'm just scared.

Thin Line.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

How is it possible to believe that we can still be friends after what happened?
Frankly, I don't think we were ever friends to begin with.
Friends would never treat each other that way.
And right now, I don't think I can call you my friend.
You don't know me, the REAL ME.
You never gave yourself the chance to find out.
But should that even matter now?
Everything is changing and I'm not sorry that they are.
There's one thing I know for sure and it's that I can't take it anymore.
I've tried hiding. I've tried running. I've tried forgetting.
None of it worked.
I just dug myself into deeper holes than I should have.
Risked everything and anything that had meaning in my life.
Even risked a friendship that I thought was strong enough to withstand something like this.
But I was wrong.
I give up.
I fell. and I'm still falling.
And there's no one there to catch me.

I wished it was you.

But I don't want it to be you. Not anymore.


It hurts too much.

Sacrifice

Monday, July 9, 2007

Sacrifice.

A metaphorical term used to describe "self-less" acts of good.

But can sacrifice really be "self-less"?

Sacrificing something can never be self-less, in my eyes, for there is always the desire or expectation of gaining something during the process of that sacrifice. Whether that desire/expectation may be a conscious one or not, there will always be something that one wants to gain eventually.

Sacrifice, in my case, was unconsciously done for my selfish needs/wants.

It was done to be able to learn and grow.
I wanted to learn.
I wanted to live; to do things without examining all repercussions before hand.
I wanted to experience different things and meet new people...
Without having to feel like I was being held back or seek approval of my preconceived notions from those I hold near and dear to me.

But was that sacrifice necessary initially?

Possibly.

Yet, it's brought chaos into my social circle unintentionally.

How do I break this "cold war"?
Should I be brave enough to break this tension that I take partial responsibility for?
Or should I just leave it alone, wait, and hope for the best?

I can't take the easy way out. It doesn't exist.

To save a friendship after a fallout seems like the most difficult thing to do right now.

And this time, I really can't take my own advice.

I'm losing people who I truly care about.

It hurts.

But why must I let pain prevent me from living?

I shouldn't.

But am I willing to let years of friendship slip away because of my stubbornness?

In time.

First

First post.

Testing....

Will update later.....